#about my dependence on others and my inability to make my own choices and feeling like i'm an inconvenience to everyone and things like tha

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

are you vegetarian/vegan?

i'm not, but it's something i've thought about a lot, more and more as i've gotten older. i feel like i haven't had enough control to be able to make decisions like that. YET. i'm slowly working my way to that point, so maybe in the future.

[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: your greatest asset and your greatest hindrance - advice on how you can master what's holding you back

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what to release and what to retain this month

masterlist of pap/pac posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

pile one

your asset is self-awareness - you stop yourself when you notice you are thinking destructively. you know how and when to use your intuition. you pick up on your own unhealthy behaviors and you seek ways to heal and better yourself. don't think that i am saying that you have it easy or that you are like a god by any means - i know that you've gone through it. you are likely someone that has done a lot of shadow work or has worked endlessly in therapy to get to this level of self-awareness. you have self-sabotaged and now you know that you wish to be better so you are breaking those habits.

your hinderance is that you likely don't feel as though you have something to depend on - your beliefs and trust are constantly in flux. you are still trying to see the light in the darkness around you. it's time to realize you are holding the torch - light it and search for something worth believing in and trusting. challenge your pre-existing beliefs - both those that you found untrustworthy and those your are holding on to as though they are all that exists. it is a gigantic world out here. by searching for new beliefs and growing your ability to trust in the unknown you are building a strength and resilience within yourself that may not be fully awoken. find peace in uncertainty - let go of your need to be in control of everything but yourself.

pile two

your asset is you don't settle. you know your worth - which is highly commendable. you know when something is missing and you don't let it stay that way. you know how to follow your heart as well as your intuition - you create meaning in everything you do, you do everything with intention. you aren't afraid to do hard things that involve letting go of what you know - you are open to change.

your hinderance is your inability to plan - you don't know how to create something that makes your grounded. working towards things/goals likely cause you stress - this could be a fear of failing. this could also point to impatience and impulsivity. needless to say you are not a planner and that doesn't always bode well when you must make a choice and sticking with it to see results. you could also be someone that sticks to what you are most comfortable to (for now perhaps it is you future asset that you are willing to let go of why you know). staying where you are comfortable doesn't help you to grow in new and exciting ways.

pile three

your asset is your ability to find peace when you are alone. i feel like i have found my introverted followers and readers in this pile. you enjoy learning new things about yourself - in fact it is one of your greatest strengths. you have a great connection with your inner voice - you know what you want and what you need.

your hinderance is you may be too grounded in yourself - it's time to get out there and share who you are with others. you might not have good emotional intelligence when expressing who you are to others - that is to say you likely need to work on social skills. focus on how you express yourself. be open to receiving communication - don't fear replying and putting yourself out there.

[skrunksthatwunk]

idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.

the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.

yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.

but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?

this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.

yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.

i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.

so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.

because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.

he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.

but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.

yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.

[dirty-bosmer]

From the edgy oc asks, for Nim <3

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

13. If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Sneaking this one in during work hours, heeheee. Thank you for the ask <3

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

Oooh, I got asked this one a month ago, and I still think about those alternate endings a lot. I have two:

1) Nim joins Mathieu in destroying the Dark Brotherhood, Lucien dies at Applewatch (she joins in the effort LOL it's✨cathartic✨), kills the rest of the Black Hand, and gets her happy ending with Lorise and Raminus and a happy family :)

2) Nim decides to be Listener, moves to Bravil, has a full blown affair with Arquen. Lucien still goes crazy because the power has been completely shifted and he can no longer control her. After a year or so, she gets extremely bored tho and fucks off to the Shivering Isles with no warning, leaving everything in shambles :)

I have some really stupid modern AU texts between Lucien and Nim that I've thought about posting before. I might draw them eventually. We'll see...

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Honestly, idk XD I think it depends on the context that we met in. If we were drunk in a bar bathroom or university roommates, I think we'd be really good friends. We'd go to parties together, study together, probably would have made each other's college lives feel less lonely by just... being alone together, if that makes sense. Doing our own things but knowing someone else is there when we need them, which is how the relationship with some of my closest friends are. We're all pretty introverted until we're not lol.

But if we met while she was elbow deep in her Dark Brotherhood shit, I'd be like girl you are stressing me out!! There are some rancid vibes wafting off of you and I am trying to write my thesis! I have my own neuroses and cannot handle another person's self-destruction right now!! Also I have a really hard time sitting idle and shutting my mouth if I know my friends are doing dumb shit/fucking around with trash people. I'd tell her to get her shit together and I don't think she'd like hearing it 😔

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Probably her resilience. Despite how painful her life has been, it's never broken her spirit or stopped her from scrabbling toward happiness. She goes through a lot of traumatic stuff over the course of her life and the events of the fic, but I never wanted it to strip her of hope. In fact she's kind of delusionally optimistic that things will somehow work out in the end despite her inability to stop making terrible choices lol, and I guess I respect that even though she knows she's doing awful things, it doesn't stop her from helping out those she can.

[dropespeon]

the thing about making an isat orv au. is that like obviously siffrin as yjh is the obvious choice. they're both stuck in the time loop and have to learn to ignore the urge to redo things when something goes wrong. siffrin can't remember his past, and yjh didn't exist before the scenarios; their lives both kind of just. started at a certain point. they will both put themselves through the same horrid events over and over again just for the people they care about, just for one chance to meet them again (yjh) or stay with them (siffrin). secretive plotter and loop are Right There

the problem with making an isat orv au is that literally no one else is emotionally stunted enough to be kdj. no one other than siffrin has the right brand of mental illness. they would not do the shit kdj does. like... i can see!! parts of it working!! mirabelle canonically finds catharsis in fiction and her imposter syndrome would be devastating if her favorite messed up novel came to life. isabeau struggles with believing that, were he to show the parts of himself that he's hidden away, people wouldn't love him. etc etc. but they would not pull the shit kdj does. and i can't see any of them Needing the wos equivalent if that makes sense. they could live without it. siffrin could probably make do but like they had Nothing pre meeting the party. i am now going to explain in excruciating detail the (very loose) roles i gave to everyone in my own orv au

some small context first: this au takes place in the in stars and time setting. everything that happened in isat up to the island disappearing is exactly the same, with the only change being that certain characters were well. characters in a novel. it's more of an orv fusion than a proper au. also it really really doesn't follow the plot of orv that loyally. what does happen in it? well you see [i am carried away by government agents]

- siffrin: kim dokja. a good while after waking up on the shore ala canon, some things (not elaborating) happen and siffrin reads a novel about a housemaiden of change stuck in a time loop at the end of the world. they grow deeply attached to this novel, reading it again and again (re-experiencing the same things over and over again!! i sure hope that doesn't become relevant!!). and then that novel comes to life. and siffrin is the only one who knows the ending to this story.

i chose siffrin for this role because well. man where do i even start. the guilt, the self hatred, the dependence they have on their family vs kdj's on wos, their inability to accept that they could not be loved if people knew what they were really like. the martyr complex. but where does loop come into this? well you see [i am carried away by governme]

(orv fans can definitely guess who loop is but. well. let's just say things happen pretty differently)

- mirabelle: yoo joonghyuk. put that fella through the horrors!! mira is the protagonist of the novel siffrin loves. she was a normal housemaiden of change until uhh. the world ended, and she was forced to repeat the same events over and over again. it uh. fucks up her relationship with change a whole lot. what if, no matter how many things you changed, it didn't matter, because it would all just get reset anyways. what if you changed. what if you didn't want to.

mirabelle was!! actually the main reason i made this au? i find her relationship with the change belief deeply interesting and i just really wanted to delve into that in a very mean way. yjh's story contains a lot of themes of determinism and what it means to be a Protagonist, and i feel like mirabelle's does too. they're both really interesting explorations of tropes. and they're both just guys!

- isabeau: han sooyoung. i will not elaborate.

isabeau... yes i know this is a weird choice. odile would be the obvious choice for hsy and i was originally gonna go with her but i thought about it a lot and. i feel like isabeau's character has a lot to explore in the ways of Being Seen and Understood and him being a writer is an interesting angle to explore that from. i do not think he could doom the world for one person in the way hsy did. what is his motive? well [i am carried away b] i have a lot of other reasons i chose him but they would be pretty huge spoilers for my Evil Plans. also this is at least partially because i wanted an isamirasif qpr and also because i had other ideas for odile

everyone else does not directly take the role of orv characters (because this is not intended to be a 1 to 1 story and i like playing with my touys) buttt. i can still give a rundown on who they are:

- odile: I'd most closely compare her to a combination of yoo sangah and jung heewon. she understands siffrin better than anyone. her story is pretty similar to canon, just that she was also a fictional character. she will do horrible things to protect her family!

- bonnie: closest to lee gilyoung. little kid who is achingly similar to the protagonist. little kid who is so dependent on the protagonist but also gets hurt by their acts of sacrifice more than anyone. still figuring out if them and nille are novel characters or not

- claude: yeah she's here also. i needed more novel characters and i like her!! still figuring out the specifics but she was one of the main characters of the WOS equivalent

- euphrasie: heh. well lets just say. namgung minyoung

- nille: see bonnie. joins the party a lot later than everyone else

- the king: heh. well lets just sa[i am carried awa]

- change god: [i am carrie]

- loop: [i am c]

[lafayetteworld]

Hi - I’m reading what if we were other people - and I’m absolutely obsessed with it! The characterizations of Damian and Fay are so strong and consistent with a lot of growth as well! I’m only on Chapter 22 (still reading through the Euro-Trip) but I absolutely cannot wait for them to officially get together although I’m thoroughly enjoying the slow burn that is building.

Fay just feels like such a lived in character with a real history and very legitimate and realized flaws and anxieties. I adore the way you also integrate her therapy into the growth and her growing self-awareness around her self-destructive thoughts and tendencies. The portrayal of self-care, mental health and mental health maintenance are so realistic and refreshingly wonderful in this fic! I love all of her small idiosyncrasies that make her so real - the same lunch she has every day, all of the little Knick knacks in her room, all of the random jobs she has (which we now know is an honestly v relatable trauma response).

I also love your version of Damian - he has such a strong internal voice that comes through. There’s still the slight sneakiness and sass that I’ve always loved in his character that has softened into a sort of endearing teasing towards Fay. The way he thinks through how he feels about Fay as he is realizing his feelings towards her are so in character - highly logical but sort of frustrated at his own inability to parse through and control his emotions because they’re so new. I also really love how much he respects Fay and her trauma - his compassion and empathy are not obvious at first but they’re so heavily present in all of his actions.

I also love their relationship!! I love that they are putting themselves and their friendship first because they’re so scared of hurting each other. It makes the slow burn so much more endearing because they love and care about each other too much to make a move. I adore how Damian acknowledges that they are both complete and whole individuals but she is his choice which makes her all the more singular - it’s such a healthy and wonderful way to see love depicted - especially when people can so easily fall into the trap of being co-dependent and “needing” your partner so much that they become a crutch and a barrier to healing yourself. It is so much more romantic to me to have someone choose you and continue choosing you. I also love how much they challenge each other - Fay allows Damian to be vulnerable and Damian calls out her putting herself down - it makes them grow together rather than one of them “healing” the other. Ugh and the innocent touchingggg- I kicked my feet and screamed into the void when Fay began stroking his arm. I can’t wait for this to progress!!!

I also love the family dimensions you depicted as well. Moma and Cora are such wonderful additions that I love reading about that add so much depth to Fay’s character. And the Wayne clan is so interesting to read about! You can see how Bruce loves his children but he isn’t present most of the time and tries his best when he is. I love that you maintained the closeness between Dick and Damian - it’s one of my favorite relationships in DC! (Also love that Kori and Dick are together in this!! My ship heart is singing)! I can’t wait to see more of Jason - I’m so intrigued by his fiancé! And I can’t wait to meet Tim officially in the fic - I wonder if him and Damian wi still have major beef in this iteration haha.

The entire story arc with Archer was also beautifully written. I was so proud to see Fay stop being so passive and take action when she started kicking ass omg. I was so so stressed when she went to confront them - but when it was over, you could feel the catharsis in her that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. I truly hope they stay gone because Fay deserves peace above anything else at this point.

Anyway, this has gotten much longer than anticipated - sorry for that! I just love love love your fic so much and I know it’s on hiatus but I just wanted you to know that I will continue to be an avid reader whenever you update! I look forward to whatever ending you have planned! Honestly at this point - this fic is better written than a lot of published romance works I’ve read haha! - 🌻

Hi there,

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to provide me with such great feedback and all your thoughts on my fics. I really do appreciate it. While I haven't replied yet, I did read this post many times over in the past. Through your and others' comments, I can remember why I enjoyed writing these fics in the first place. I've always wanted to see a particular type of romance - both slow-burn but intense yet avoids tropes like romantic dependency or the characters 'needing' one another, like you mentioned. I love many published novels and fics with these tropes, but I wanted to see something different, so I decided to try my hand at it. I am so glad to see that I succeeded to the best of my ability and that my work excites someone. I am a sucker for characters that have to go through a lengthy process of working on themselves and depicting the struggles that come with it. I am sorry for leaving you hanging on both works. I am currently re-writing What If (just addressing grammar issues!) and hoping to complete it in early 2025. Providence is much more complex, so that'll take longer, but I would like to return to it very soon, as well. Thank you again, and I hope you have a lovely day!

[kamil07]

When are you going to make a change for yourself?

"Why are you so shy?" It's a straightforward question that often leaves me speechless. I experience a vacant mind accompanied by the sound of a heartbeat. If you are someone who struggles with shyness, you truly understand the experience. At the same time, you recognize the difficulty in overcoming and managing it.

A lot of individuals prefer having numerous friends and connecting with a variety of people. They enjoy social interactions and engaging in discussions. However, this stands in contrast to those who allow shyness to dictate their behavior.

What is shyness?

According to ABCT Up to 80% of people report that they were shy at some time in their lives. Forty percent describe themselves as shy now.  Shyness is a feeling or emotion that we feel in an uncomfortable place, scenario and events. It is a common feeling when people are surrounded by different people and environments. It can trigger us to not make a choice and make decisions. The struggle to connect and create a conversation, even eye contact, make a first move and be dependent. It's a feeling of avoiding a spotlight, small talks and socializing.

The pandemic did not assist me in enhancing my inner self, but rather made me more aware of who I am. Transitioning from isolation during the pandemic to in-person classes was difficult for me, especially in terms of communication. I vividly recall my first presentation in my freshman year of college. I was ready, but my shyness completely undermined all my preparation. It creates an urgency in me to finish things swiftly, which causes me to shy away from making eye contact and often results in poor responses from me. As a result, over the past year, I heavily relied on others for every decision in class, especially regarding activities. Whenever there was a proposal to change something, I would simply respond with "okay!" or "it's up to you." In reality, sometimes it isn't alright; I use this as a way to evade discussions and avoid causing a scene over trivial issues.

How to conquer shyness?

Overcoming shyness can be quite challenging. Each individual has their own personal reasons for feeling this way. It requires self-awareness to understand how it originated—recognizing the cause within oneself. In some cases, it may stem from inherited traits or past trauma.

Inherited traits can arise from parents who struggle with communication and have created a small family. On the other hand, trauma can impede a person's confidence, preventing them from expressing their true selves. Understanding the root cause can help you begin to take small steps in confronting the challenge, even if it comes with sweaty palms, awkward body language, and an inability to maintain eye contact, which is still a significant accomplishment. You can then consider joining social groups. Joining is like a small step, but it is a big step to do it. With that, you will never realize that you are in a group that you can't imagine having. The importance of conquering is that it can improve yourselves by surrounding it and being comfortable to be with.

Shy vs. Quiet

“If you think shy, you act shy.”

By Arfa Karim

It always happens to me that when there's a recitation, I am always hesitant to recite because I am afraid that my answer was incorrect and they would judge my answer. 

“Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

By  Stephen Hawking

While quiet is the personality that a person doesn't want to talk about. Although they have a lot of thoughts in their mind, they tend to choose to be quiet, and there's no hesitation to do it.

Don't try to be what you're not. If you're nervous, be nervous. If you're shy, be shy.

by Adriana Lima

@joyceelline

[24karatcherrygold]

Journal Entry Leith de Aurum, Master Engineer and Researcher Skylanders Academy Laboratory Cycle 5471, Day 184

"Subject: On the Indestructibility of Traptanium Bonds

It is said that the most insidious cages are those one cannot escape on their own. Traptanium, it seems, is the perfect realization of this concept.

Today, I focused my research on the bonds formed between Traptanium crystals and the souls tethered to them. Using controlled conditions, I attempted to test the strength and limits of these bonds—namely, whether the tethered individual can break the crystal holding them. What I discovered is both fascinating and deeply unsettling.

The experiment began with Juju Kekatl’s cooperation (or reluctant tolerance). A small shard of Traptanium had been tuned to her essence, causing the crystal to glow faintly in hues of green and gold. I handed her a specialized hammer—a tool I designed to amplify and direct the user’s physical strength—and asked her to try shattering the shard.

She laughed at first, dismissing the task as trivial. But as her first swing struck the crystal, her expression shifted. The shard didn’t crack, chip, or even shudder under the force. Juju’s laughter gave way to frustration, then panic. Blow after blow landed, and each one seemed to rebound on her, leaving her visibly shaken.

I called off the test when it became clear she was exhausting herself. She collapsed afterward, clutching her chest, and described the sensation as though the crystal were actively resisting her attempts—tightening the tether, pulling harder, weakening her will to continue.

The results were consistent across multiple subjects. Cynder, Encritus, even a magically-infused construct I created to simulate tethering—none of them could so much as scratch the crystals tuned to their essence. Yet when I asked a neutral third party (Flynn, of all people, whose involvement consisted mainly of exclaiming “I got this!” before accidentally cracking my table), the crystal shattered with relative ease.

This raises an important question: why? Why would Traptanium impose such a limitation?

My working theory is that the tether formed between the crystal and the trapped individual is symbiotic in nature. The crystal doesn't merely contain the soul—it depends on it. Like a parasite clinging to its host, the bond strengthens the crystal's structure, making it impervious to the very essence it has captured. In contrast, an outside force—unaffected by the tether—faces no such resistance.

The psychological implications of this discovery are profound. For the tethered individual, the inability to break their own prison must feel like a cruel mockery of freedom, a constant reminder of their dependence on others. For those who choose to wield Traptanium as a weapon, it creates a perverse dynamic of control: the captor holds all the power, while the captive is forced to rely on someone else to determine their fate.

This mechanic also carries significant narrative weight. In order to free someone tethered to Traptanium, another must intervene—an act that requires not just strength, but intent. It transforms the act of liberation into a deliberate, personal choice. After all, who would willingly shatter a Traptanium crystal, knowing the soul it holds could just as easily become an enemy as an ally?

Spyro, once again, refused to comment when I raised the subject. I can’t decide whether his silence stems from wisdom or fear—or perhaps both.

For now, I’ll continue my studies. There is still much we don’t understand about the nature of Traptanium. But one thing is clear: it is not merely a tool or a prison. It is a mirror, reflecting the power dynamics of those who wield it. And like any mirror, it demands we confront what lies within.

End Log.

[raayllum]

to build on your recent ask, and just to pick your brain a little (gross metaphor, I know), when you said:

"To me, the coins could never have been permanent, otherwise there's very little reason to have them exist. After all, if the parents can't be freed and/or come back, why not just kill them? It'd effect the story the same way... unless they come back." I wonder, in your experience and education in literature, do you think it is feasible/would be an effective avenue of storytelling for the writers to use the (theoretical) inability to free the coined elves as a plot device to teach Rayla about moving on, and that she can't save everyone? she is portrayed as a very determined--and sometimes obsessive--character, and I can recall the writers bringing up her strong devotion to freeing the elves as something that should be questioned (though I do believe this will involve her allowing herself to let Callum/the others help). But, nevertheless, what are your thoughts?

The thing about Rayla is that her determination, and her wanting to save everyone isn't a Flaw, per se. If anything, it's the best thing about her, and the story points that out time and time again (1x03 with the boys, 1x05 with Bait, 1x09 with Zym, 2x07 with the dragon, 3x05 with Nyx): "You have true courage, and a big heart" / "It's because Rayla is a hero. Rayla's brave. She saves people. She does what's right [....] That's what makes her a hero. That's what makes her Rayla."

It's just not only a virtue, as like real people, most of TDP's cast's best qualities are also their worst ones, depending on the circumstance. Callum can also be obsessive with magic, after all (1x04, 2x01, 2x04, 4x02) but that doesn't mean him being a mage isn't his path, or not a Good path for him, particularly when it comes to primal magic. But his persistent, perpetually pushing nature also means he can be impulsive and bite off more than he can chew, unknowingly getting in over his head before it's too late. (Whereas Rayla tends to have a better cognition of her bad odds, but just less concern over them.) If Callum's 'bad path' is being a dark mage, Rayla's 'bad path' is being a loner assassin who takes everything on alone, y'know? Those paths are both from the same places, but there are always more options than the roles they've had enforced on them or have taken up because it feels like they don't have any other choice in war, even if they have/had good intentions regardless.

This also comes back to like, Rayla's relationship with letting go vs holding on. If anything, Rayla has a laser focus on moving on - "We have to keep moving" (1x09) / "Fine, one extra day. One" (2x01) / "Rayla, you're pushing us to move too fast" (3x02) / "I'm fine, Callum, like I already told you [...] We walk away and this never happened" (3x04) - that operates to her detriment, because it's usually when she's ignoring her own pain to prioritize the mission, or putting the mission above most things (other than the boys). If she doesn't linger on her pain/mistakes, she can pretend more easily that it doesn't exist (not "I don't want to talk right now" but "There's nothing to talk about," if you will). Illusions and erasure and all that - very Moonshadow

C: So, uh, yesterday must've been a hard day for you. R: Not really.

We see this even when she comes back in S4 and her attempts to "get things back the way they were" and even her almost complete prioritization of how Callum feels, and very little regard to how she feels (outside of being nervous to see him, which 4x05 quickly reveals is the least of how she's been emotionally damaged).

And this, of course, is because Rayla is very bad, actually, at letting things go. She holds on mistakes, she repeats the same patterns of herself and others who loved but hurt her, and that's why all her self deprecation talk is very similar across the seasons

I messed up. I know I did. (1x02) / You should cut yourself a break. Everyone messes up sometimes, or in my case, all the times. [...] Right up until moment when it really matters. That's when I just, poof, mess it up... And the next thing I know, I've failed. / I dropped it. This is all my fault. I let you both down. I let the world down. (1x09) / I need my friend to trust me, and he doesn't. And I think it's my fault. (2x02 / But every time I tried, I would mess it up, and the next time it was harder, and-- (2x03) / I failed them. It was my fault we were discovered. (3x03) / It's me, and it's all my fault. I failed them. I let them all down. They were right to reject me. I'm not good enough and I never will be. (3x04) / Oh no, I messed up again! [...] This is all my fault. I left him alone. I shouldn't have-- (4x06)

Rayla is someone who is selfless to the point she doesn't know how/when to be selfish, which causes her to be selfish in ways that are extremely detrimental to herself and to the other people around her. In a lot of ways, her inability to move on is an inability to let go of her negative self perception of herself: she fears that failure for her is inevitable ("I'm sure it would've flopped when it was my turn"), she's so terrified of being alone yet continually isolates herself because that seems safer, and because of these negative perceptions, she unfairly punishes herself. For her own mistakes, and for others.

Harrow: I recognize that I may pay the price for our mistakes. / I won't hide in the body of another while someone else pays the price for my decisions. (1x02) Rayla: It will just get tighter and tighter until I lose my hand. But I'm ready to pay that price. (1x06) / But if I die, I'll just be paying the price they should've paid a long time ago. (3x08)

VS

Callum: But you didn't run. They have it all wrong. Rayla: Does it matter? (3x03) Claudia: We're not going to the dungeons, Soren! We didn't do anything wrong. (3x02)

So Rayla wanting to prioritize something over the mission that's not for the good of someone else (Callum, the dragon, Nyx, etc) but for something that she personally wants is a massive departure for her and gives her all sorts of room to grow. However, it remains to be seen if Rayla will view it like that. I could see her see saving her parents as a form of 'redemption' - even though she didn't fail them like, at all, but again: it's Rayla we're talking about. Turning it into a duty would be very on brand. "This is a journey for redemption" and all that, even if like... she doesn't Need to redeem herself.

There's layers there then, of her being 'selfish' (wanting something for herself, it being her family) and of being too 'selfless' again, semi similar to her choice to leave in TTM. Because Rayla's inability to let go is unable to be separated from the way she continually punishes/loathes herself; that's what she can't put down, the mistakes and failures she feels responsible for that she'll destroy herself to try and correct, to ensure she pays the price so that no one else has to. That's why she's obsessive about Viren (protection, punishment, self-martyrdom) and prepared to stay behind at the Storm Spire.

Her choices to save and protect Zym are a little different. She, like the princes, wants to make up for her parents' mistakes, yes, but it goes deeper than that - she truly believes that this is right and has the power to change the world for the better, to break the cycle rather than perpetuate it. To make a difference, not as a trauma response, but in the vein of healing.

TLDR; to summarize, I think Rayla's parents, particularly Runaan, have a great capacity to help her unlearn the harmful patterns they've passed down, whether because she's grown beyond them and can help her parents do the same, or in seeing their behaviour and correcting hers, or in having them realize how they messed her up, and saving her right back.

None of this really touches on how TDP's hero side is staunchly big on protecting the value of the individual, and their right to exist/thrive without prejudice/expectation, by laying yourself down (as opposed to offering up others' lives), but I think that's absolutely a component as well. TDP's hopepunk theme - Breaking the cycle, working towards harm reduction, reconciling rather than reinforcing binaries - are all in favour of saying "you can't save everyone, but you should still always Try" (hi Ezran in 3x04) and I don't think they'd toss that out, either. In a world with magic, they could've taken the concept of the Moon Nexus and Rayla wanting to see them again for the same end (which, in TTM, Rayla doesn't think she can save her parents per se - she just wants to know if they're actually dead or not), but uh. They didn't so yeah, particularly because Runaan living means all sorts of messy feelings for Callum and happy gay reunion elves, them living absolutely holds the most merit for the narrative, tbh

[friendofcars]

“what he wanted was to know what he wanted.” for the quote ask thing. such a cool idea!

thank you - it's been so fun answering these!

my guess: incredibly dream thieves era ronan sentiment. i think this is when kavinsky is teaching him to dream and says something like "you have to know what you want" or "you have to go after what you want." not sure which chapter but maybe in the 40s?

the answer: well. this went well for me.

(which is tdt, chapter 41!)

my thoughts: this phrase is the key to ronan's arc in tdt imo (or at least the first part of it. he has to know what he wants but he also has to lean how to obtain/achieve it). "what he wanted" refers, beyond controlling his dreaming, to his repressed feelings for adam/his second secret, the path in life he wants to take, whether he wants to follow the example of kavinsky or gansey, whether he wants to live, and whether he wants to stop hating himself. by the end of the book he makes his choice(s), but it takes time for him to realize that the choice isn't strictly kavinsky or gansey, it's himself/his life (and through his realization of his own self-esteem and self-love, adam. he basically also chooses gansey, but that's a whole other story.). he has to choose himself before the second secret becomes clear. interesting that he also has to choose himself/his human life/humanity in greywaren. i think ronan wanting to know what he wants is not the same as him interpreting all of his intense emotions as (or replacing them with) anger, but there's a common theme of his own thoughts and feelings being inaccessible to him.

this line also contrasts ronan with adam, who has a long list of conscious wants (many of which are basic survival needs). this also makes me think of adam (as all things do) because of ronan and cabeswater's clumsy attempts to communicate with adam (in ronan's dreams and in adam's visions) which i think is in league with ronan's inability to articulate feelings. i'm trying not to write a novel here but this arc leads me to ronan learning to ask and cooperate with cabeswater to pull the replacement camaro out of his dream, as well as his use of the puzzle box at the end of the book to ask cabeswater "please" in dream language, and as we all know, ronan saying "please" in the presence of adam is !!!!!!! there's something in here about kavinsky's strategy of being a thief and taking what he wants (and also the way he treats ronan, kidnaps matthew, etc. it literally just hit me that kavinsky is a dream thief not only because of the way he dreams and carelessly drains cabeswater, but because he kidnaps matthew, who is a dream.) versus ronan's requests to cabeswater to work with and support his dreaming. i'm sure there's something to be said here about art forgery and original work as well as attitudes towards natural resources/the environment and other such things.

and a bit more about kavinsky: kavinsky forges ahead in the conversation without ronan responding. his wide smile = hunger (which is greed, desire, maybe even insatiable loneliness). the mitsubishi is described as voracious earlier in the book. we know that ronan looks for someone to lead him since niall cannot teach him how to dream from the grave, and kavinsky is a compelling option to him for their shared experiences and kavinsky knowing what he wants and how to take it. but as ronan follows kavinsky down the rabbit hole of thieving (doesn't kavinsky erroneously reference a white rabbit in chapter 6 or 7?), he understands how this hurts cabeswater, so he concludes that kavinsky is not the kind of dreamer he wants to be. gansey is the kind of leader he wants to follow and protect. and ronan doesn't know it yet, but gansey = cabeswater anyway. so kavinsky does teach him how to figure out what he wants- but what ronan wants is in opposition to what kavinsky wants: for their relationship or lack thereof, for the ley line (and adam, and noah, and cabeswater, and all that depend on it or are tied to it), for themselves, etc.

[rainbowsky]

HEY RB, I have a weird ask which I’ve been thinking about for the past few days, what to do when you like the creative content of a persons blog but the rest of the stuff they post is off-putting? would you continue to follow them for the content you like or unfollow for the stuff that really puts you off?

Hi Anon,

Well, a lot depends on how off-putting it is, but in general, if I find someone's takes off-putting, it's a no-brainer. I will not follow them. In some cases I will even block them. It doesn't matter what other things they're posting that I might like.

I feel that the more we expose ourselves to things we hate the more resentful we begin to become, and it shifts not just our experience of fandom, but also our attitudes and the threshold of what we will accept/put up with from other people. It can really deepen divides and distort our perception of what the fandom is like.

If we give something real estate in our news feed we are giving it real estate in our heads - space that could be taken up with something else. Something more positive, more aligned with what we are into.

We should also consider the impression we are giving others about who we are and what we're into. If someone is liking and reblogging posts from a TERF, others are going to get the impression they, too, are a TERF or are OK with TERF attitudes, even if the content is just a pretty illustration of a puppy rolling in a field of flowers.

There's that old saying, "You are known by the company you keep." (As unfair as that might sometimes feel.)

And the thing is, steeping in things we dislike can really distort our perspective of the fandom. If we're seeing a post or two every day or even week of something we truly hate, that gives us the perception that X percentage of the fandom is like this. It can artificially inflate our perception of how prevalent those attitudes are.

Which has an impact on how we feel about the fandom, has an impact on how much joy we have, has an impact on how we start to feel about the people who have those kinds of takes.

I know, for example, that there are people out there with really offensive takes about DD's personality. In reality the people with those takes are pretty rare, but they're out there. If I followed those people I'd be seeing those takes regularly, and I'd start to think the fandom is just full of that attitude when actually it's not.

I really feel that a lot of the intolerance of other people's approaches to fandom - a lot of the inability to 'live and let live' - ironically comes from opening our experience to things we hate. Comes from people's unwillingness to curate their online experience, and cut down on their exposure to things they dislike.

They stew in a bunch of content they dislike and it makes them bitter, whereas if they just cut that out of their lives then on the rare occasion they did stumble across something like it, they'd find it much easier to scroll past, and they might not be as hateful or judgmental toward the person posting it.

When we're regularly exposed to things we dislike, we start to focus on it more, we start to think about it more, we start to hate it more.

When I talk about 'staying in our own lane', that's not just about staying out of solo spaces. It's about staying out of any space where we are not among like-minded people. Staying out of any space where negativity is bred, where conflict stews, where bitterness takes root, where our souls are shaped toward hate.

Anyway, this is just my take on it. Of course, everyone gets to pick their own approach and make their own choices about these things.

My advice to you is to listen to your body, look for any tension or discomfort. It will tell you if this is the sort of thing you want in your life. Listen to your heart. What is it telling you about how exposure to that content is changing you or changing your perspective?

You might also find my fandom survival guide helpful.

I also talked a bit about how what we focus on shapes who we become here.

[okthatsgreat]

i am GRABBING YOU and SHAKING YOU. did you know your mikane is the craziest. did you. did you know that. last chapter drove me so far up the wall i am still yet to calmndown...... poor mikan. imagine ur emotionally repressed gf runs away again only for two children w the exact same problem to come barging through your door.

i have so many things to ask........ but i shan't ask them all. please please tell me anything about ur ideas for mikane in general or in oppdmh bc they're the most crazy insane yuri ever. OH RIGHT YEAH AND. the actual question. obviously opddmh mikan still struggles with anxiety, but how do you think she's changed in mentality and issues after everything that came after danganronpa? any issues outgrown or gained? morphed in some way? love ur work so much every time. u made me pause my utena rewatch and that is such a big compliment u do not even know

GRABS YOU SHAKES YOUSHAKESYOU SHAKES YOU SHAKES YOU

talking about this fic, as always putting the answer under read more for people who dont wanna read lol!!!!!!!

OHHH MY GOD IM INSANE ABOUT THEMM. went into this fic knowing that i wanted mikan and akane to have their own povs because i thought theyd bring different perspectives, especially in comparison to makoto's pov. i knew what i wanted mikans story to involve and i had a vague idea about akanes (fun fact rantaro was originally gonna be kaito LOL) and then like two chapters into writing mikans point of view i was like waiiiitttt a minute. wait a minute hold on. what if they were in love. and what if they were so not normal about it

it made so much sense for the story i wanted both of them to tell that immediately i went into my notes and started pivoting a few things LMFAO. i just think that their relationship (or their pining at least lol) is able to neatly underline some of their core themes/issues in this fic, whether that be for better or for worse. through the lens of their relationship im hoping to convey mikan's sheer capacity of worry and insecurity, how she finds it difficult to move through life without another person to rely on even if she has done a bit of growing since the simulator and how that dependency affects her. and then of course akane's emotional repression is highlighted through their relationship (her forgetfulness, her inability to communicate, LEAVING all of the time), but also it's a great reminder of just how protective akane can get even if she isn't there. not to mention how worried she gets about mikan despite her absolute refusal to worry.

they care about each other to the point of unspoken codependency and while it is absolutely making both of them feel safe and happy it is still a reminder of their underlying problems. akane would do anything to avoid somebody thinking she is weak enough to be cared for. but all mikan can do is care and care and care about her. both of them are so willing to shoulder the problems of the other but neither of them want to be seen as burdens, so all they end up doing is silently dance around their issues until eventually somebody caves. INSANE YURI MOMENT

mikan still absolutely has anxiety LMFAO and dare i say..... she's...... kind of better????????????????????? or maybe not actually. going into this i had to think about how to write these characters in a way that felt true to who they are but also remembering that they have GROWN, even if danganronpa really makes them feel as if they havent lol. this is a mikan who has likely endured years of therapy, even if that therapy is SHIT at best. this is also a mikan who has been shoved into the spotlight rather forcibly and has basically been given the choice to adapt or die. so i probably shouldnt say that shes "better", it's more that shes had to modify herself to fit this new lifestyle of hers. she hasnt been given much of a choice, and i imagine shes had a few years to really fuck up and struggle before reaching this point. she is constantly in the spotlight and basically always under scrutiny, so ive sort of swayed away from her wanting attention and focused more on how she reacts to this attention-- shes grown bitter from the negative and she doesnt think she deserves most of the positive. it's this hurricane of problems with mikan and a lot of it involves her own struggle to view herself as a good person, which stems heavily from the insecurities she already had in her game and intensified by what happened outside of it. years of being seen as this iconic chapter three killer has absolutely worn her down a bit, but there is still a part of her that yearns for control over her life and the people surrounding it. she is still SO anxious, ive tried to really hammer home quite a few recurring symptoms with her like her nervous tics, sickness/lack of appetite, hair shedding, etc!! and she is extremely bitter about how shes been treated, too, which im hoping to elaborate on further on down the line. however she really, REALLY can not be passing out in front of cameras or throwing any fits about the exploitation shes endured since shes been a teen because the company she works for wont accept anything that isnt on brand. and underneath it all shes still that scared little kid that desperately wants to please

she's an older mikan but she is still very much hurting, not necessarily any less but in a way that's a bit different if that makes sense :)

you are SO FUCKING NICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333

[metamoreacademy-sg]

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[euthanasia-enthusiast]

new theory i just thought up abt psychological damage from multiple choice testing. the way i learned how to pass my classes in like fuckin 2nd grade without doing any work or paying attention in class was to like,, focus only on the end of grade tests bc a 100 would bring a f to like a d or c. and i def wouldnt study but i would work backwards based on the options for answer and fucking just learn enough to pass based only on the test itself somehow??? for certain classes i would read the textbook like it was a novel if i felt compelled to for whatever reason, or if the teacher had taken away all other possible distractions and my thoughts werent interesting that day. but anyway now i really fucking struggle with any information or decision or record keeping/journaling situation that is not a multiple choice question.

if someone asks me what i want or says something like "im here for you if you need anything" or "tell me about yourself" or "how are you doing" or "what are you into" or any number of vague but extremely common questions/statements, my mind goes completely blank, i have no idea how to answer without having at least an example of the type of answer theyre expecting. i feel like im missing something, like i only heard the last word of a sentence, like im missing all of the context required to answer. i know its usually dependent on the exact circumstance but i have no way to determine what the circumstance is and what options are available/acceptable in that circumstance without being told. there are infinite possible answers that are true and infinite more that would be an acceptable bending of the truth but determining the relevance of each is impossible without the prior knowledge of what is relevant to the question and what the person had in mind when they asked, and there are also infinite ways each infinite answer could be misinterpreted!!!

open honest communication is a myth

writing blog posts is a fucking struggle and i hope that somehow doing it badly anyway will strengthen something in my mind to make it not quite as difficult. at least thats what im telling myself to justify the compulsion to word vomit nonsensically for several hours and post unedited to the sideblog where i usually just talk about killing myself.

the stupidest and most annoying struggle that somewhat inspired this theory though, is my inability to pick a video or tv show to watch without there being something particularly interesting in the recommended section. i genuinely cannot on my own think of anything i would be entertained or interested in, even in vague terms specific enough for a search term.

i believe there are many more examples and the words ive written dont really portray the issue accurately but the very issue prevents its own analysis, as i could not think of the words to document the experiences so i dont remember enough to analyze, and i have no clue what the possible conclusions could be so i cannot work backwards to determine which is most likely

but i believe i lack some type of mental infrastructure required for converting abstract thought into something that can fit into an established framework like language or action, or some type of inability to process and understand abstract thought. (im not honestly sure i even understand what a thought is, and what differentiates it from a feeling or belief or "hearing voices in your head"), often when im journaling i will write out the objective facts of whatever event, with the intention of extrapolating how i think and feel about it, and just draw a blank. maybe i think of a few possible interpretations of the events, some feelings that would make sense, the feelings implied by compulsions i felt, but the act of determining how i feel and believe and desire in a specific situation feels like what a fucking ai chatbot does, just guessing the most likely next word based on past data, with no method for determining the accuracy of the statement.

maybe i just smoked too much weed or i have brain damage or its some kind of psychosis/dissociation or maybe its the autism who fucking knows. its probably completely unrelated to the us education system idk what i was on about i barely remember how i started this rant

[scribbleheaded]

Loneliness; to be silent or to be unheard

I've been reading a book on loneliness, an expression of it like a city, and an experience seen through the lens of visual art.

Loneliness, it seems, is a wispy feeling, incommunicable yet felt. Seemingly both universal and wholely, inescapably, within one's self. Something that can't properly be spoken or shared, but cannot be sat with alone. A juxtaposition of the soul, which cannot ease its own pain, yet knows that no one else will bare witness. Something when faced, will always be run from, starving off any hope to ease this feeling through shared suffering. By nature the suffering only recognizes one singularity of itself, isolating the isolation.

This juxtaposition seems inherent to something which craves recogniztion but runs from sight. It aim is understanding and yet it holds firm in its inability to be shared in monadic truth by any form of expression. Cutting off the one fundemental constant of human existence;community. Community forming from the communicability which it's existence is dependent upon.

Communicability, thus, implies language by nature; an expression of experience which relies on sociality, yet the precursor to any solitary thought. I think therefore I am, but am I able to think if I was never taught how to talk? Will I still BE without such thought?

There is something inherently very transient about this sort of existence, self-proclaimed yet naturally dependent. And it is this which makes me think of my own expression.

I've spent so much of my life bubbling around with excess exuberance in the sharing of my experiences, yet always was this feeling of misunderstanding. I tried to master speech and profess myself perfectly, but this of course only brought me farther from being understood. The more I gave the more material there was to misinterpret. As I strove more and more to serve up the intended interpretation, the more it seemed ungraspable to those who received it.

I think of this, of course, because of all the words I've left you. Explainations, biographies and portraits, as if somehow my words themselves will cross this newfound and ancient gulf between us and finally make you see me. Instead the speech crumbles like ashes long burnt and meaning evaporates into more unintellible mist. The addendums and clarification I add adds only more to the blanketing fog disguising my existence, until even I cannot recognize my own sight. The unheard only proliferates the disquietude. Those words, unknown and unresponsive, I must wonder if their meaning ever had any tangible reality in the first place, or if all their power was formed out of reception. Like letters never delivered, the hold only emptiness in the absence of response.

Without recognition they bubble up and form vast streams, treading new paths brought on by only one small snag away from the norm. But it all flows and flows into the sea of unknowable and inseparable, and I can do nothing but join them or rot inside myself.

And this I think, is what loneliness exhibits as. It will either force me to choose to hide and destroy myself, create a statue unchanging to control interpretation of me, in which I lead the charge of misunderstanding. Or I can hold on to the uninteligble self-hood in my grasp and it will eviscerate every conviction I have of any true understandable meaning to be found. I must choose to never be seen or to craft myself into a sight which would never be me. And in the end, it is the same; even the choice is a falsehood.

Loneliness is, through these eyes, a recognition of the breeching chasm which will always lie between oneself and the other, and in loneliness is the pitiful acceptance that any attempts to cross this gap will only create a further distance.

And it is this which finally frees me from you.

[burning-sol]

Thinking abt themzt. I feel like I never rlly talked abt the general concept for the eldritchstrings au, so I'm just gonna do a little ramble here while my brain refuses to focus on anything else.

The way the story starts is pretty much exactly the same and everything is about the same until Rumi and Peter meet Thanatos. In the original work, Rumi and Thanatos are able to find some common ground that gives way to them fighting side by side without issue. In the common eldritchstrings au, the single force that completely alters the timeline is Rumi not being able to establish chemistry with Thanatos. Rumi doesn't agree with Thanatos' ideology, and moreover Rumi is already feeling a complete incongruence between their visions and reality that's making them react very not normally. They're able to defeat the first blight together, but Rumi feels disillusioned/confused/troubled enough by the circumstances that they politely part ways with Thanatos, and take Peter with them - the one who Rumi is most sure they're meant to be with, the one who agrees with them, their emotional support.

Rumi doesn't know if parting with Thanatos was a good choice or not, and being even further off script than intended will create a big internal conflict going forward.

Thanatos will continue to proceed as he had in the original narrative, but Rumi and Peter are going about their adventure differently. They take frequent stops and meet other people, which actually puts them *ahead* of Thanatos since they usually end up knowing where to go. This is also incredibly self-indulgent for Rumi, since performing for others boosts their own morale and helps affirm their identity which they're very in need of (and later this is to affirm them of their morals too). However, this is pretty much the only benefit of them separating from Thanatos.

Since there is no longer a third member to make the party stronger, Exandroth has become an unavoidable and essential part of the cast. Rumi *cannot* ignore Exandroth and *cannot* undermine her like they'd done in the original story. Rumi and Exandroth are weaker so they actually have to talk and strategise, and their intense dependency is highlighted by the fact that every god fight from now on is going to nearly KILL them. This will cause Peter to have a very depressing character arc as Peter comes to think of himself as being completely worthless, as seems to be proven by his inability to fight like Exandroth, so yeah the structure of the team really does its own work in shaping the narrative.

That is everything that sets up the eldritchstrings au, that's how I have come to imagine how the eldritchstrings dynamic could even be a conceivable thing. From here there's a lot of different decisions you can make abt how you want the story to go, but yeah that's the set up.

I could rant abt a lot of things from here, but like you know. I just find it to be such a brain worm to think about how Rumi ends up falling for Exandroth. All the interactions and the dependancy building up to, "shit, I actually like Exandroth," and Rumi then has an absolute mental breakdown over it. Rumi doesn't like Exandroth, Rumi doesn't approve of Exandroth's existence, Rumi hates Exandroth for what it does to Peter, but Rumi being forced to interact with her makes it undeniable that Exandroth is its own whole entity. Exandroth can say things, feels things, Exandroth can be funny, and it's incredibly hard to maintain a b&w view of Exandroth when Rumi is forced to confront its humanity ig. It's a brain worm to think about Peter's own quiet emotional struggle in the face of everything, his desperate longing to feel wanted, and although Rumi tells him he's wanted he just can't feel that when he (feels) *knows* he has nothing to give. Peter has nothing to give Rumi that'll help contribute to Rumi's goals, so Peter can't even entertain the idea he has value. And Exandroth.. Well, Exandroth is so fucking wild. I don't even have the brain capacity to get into her rn.

Also, shoutout to Exandroth and Rumi maybe killing Thanatos. Holding up a flag that reads "doom" on it like wow. You have selected the bad ending for this adventure. "Are you sure you want to kill your old companion, definitively turning away from idealistic path you had initially longed for, as well as proving your unwavering will to become god no matter the obstacle in your path?"

As I think I put succinctly in a prev post...

Rumi is trying to be so nice and explain that they're the god slayers and they're the good guys and that you should put your trust in them then Exandroth says loudly, "GIRL, WE KILLED THANATOS". "No. No we didn't. Exandroth loves to joke around ahahah cause you see he's a celestial so Exandroth doesn't really know what human humour is like so don't mind him-" "GIRL WE HAD A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE AND THEN VERY DELIBERATELY KILLED SOMEONE WHO YOU SAID WE WERE DESTINED TO KILL THE GODS WITH. I THINK WE'RE FUCKING EVIL OR SOMETHING." "We are not evil." "WE ARE FUCKING VILLAINS." "We are not villains." "WE ARE GOING TO BE THE SECOND WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO THIS EARTH."